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Miracles do exist

I think I have spoken in recent months about my frustration regarding my current situation and perceived limitations. Well shortly after that blog I began practicing kundalini meditation and joined a local group which uses this to achieve self realization or enlightenment.
I didn’t have a particularly happy childhood. Both my parents were quite abusive but in different ways and never physical, my brother has a learning disability so much of their time was taken up with him and then the pressure got too much for them and they split up when I was 5yrs old. I then had the experience of being brought up on benefits and not much money. And this wasn’t even touching upon the fact that I found this planet a hard place to live anyway. I didn’t understand the rules. I didn’t understand people and their seemingly animal behaviour. The fact that they didn’t know what I was thinking when I knew what they were thiinking. In fact I didn’t even realise that they didn’t know what I was thinking until I was in my teens. I just presumed that everyone felt and saw what I did. The world seemed so cruel and harsh and so uncaring and out of touch with themselves and their feelings and the feelings of others. There was little or no compassion or empathy and as all of this was part of who I was I found the world an extremely difficult place to be so I withdrew inside myself. I didn’t have many friends but at the same time I wanted to belong so I wanted to be the same as everyone else.. I also had an understanding that we create our realities at some level so I felt that everything that went wrong in my life was my fault. This was also added to by the fact that I was constantly blamed for most things. At the age of 11yrs old I hated myself so much that I wished that I had never been born. I really really detested everything about me. I never contemplated suicide but I was almost there. I was a mess throughout my teenage yrs. But I did get glimpses or know that there was so much love inside me that life was worth living for. When I was 16yrs old I did nearly take my last breath. I was waking up in the morning but I wasn’t really waking up as I was aware that I was taking my last breaths. I felt really peaceful and knew that I would go to a better place. I was given a choice but there was a pull to this reality. There were things that I needed to do here so I came back. I woke up but I never forgot that experience and it made me less afraid of death. I was also shown at around that time that if I continued on the path that I was on that I would become seriously mentally ill but I did not want this because of the stigma and becoming disempowered by the system and the label of having a mental illness. So instead I chose to pull myself out of it. I left home as soon as I could at 19yrs old and at 21 I started my nurse training which was what I had always known I was going to do from being very small. A calling so to speak.
I then spent the next 20 years searching through self help books to try and overcome the issues that I had as obviously all the stuff that happened to me as a child doesn’t disappear overnight. It has been a long hard slog and it has eventually led me down the path of spirituality and healing. I have made much progress but there were still obstacles and limitations in my life. I knew these were deep rooted from my childhood but I didn’t know exactly what they were or how to bring them up to the surface as they had been part of me for so long.
Then last Autumn I came across a local group to me which practices kundalini meditation. I went along and really liked the group. Very down to earth and warm people. They were also running an enlightenment course so I felt a pull to join that too. The first time round this brought up lots of chaos and drama in my life which I thought that I could do without at that time. But it also brought up feelings and emotions from my chldhood which scared me a little as I didn’t really want to feel them again but I knew I was releasing stuff that needed to go once and for all. Very little seemed to be changing in my outside world either. My work had become very challenging, with one drama after another, my finances were not good, I have a house that I want to sell but is in great need of modernisation and repair before I do so and no money to do this with, and then the worry of my mother (who is 76yrs old) still caring for my brother at home and wondering how much longer she can do this for and what will happen then, as our experience of day care for him so far has been very disappointing to say the least. And so I didn’t feel that I could make many plans of my own with this hanging over me too as I don’t have any other siblings. So the first course finished just before Christmas and something told me that this ending was the beginning in lot’s of ways and that I should do the course again. There was a 2 or 3 week break from the course and during that time I found that I was suddenly able to meditate every day. Whereas previously I had been too tired to get up any earlier in the morning and then too tired most evenings, all of a sudden I was naturally waking up at 5am and so I meditated then. I have also found that the situations that were previously so dramatic at work are dissolving so quickly now it is quite comical. Also, I had been avoiding looking at my bank balance as it had been such a long month and I didn’t think I had overspent but I wasn’t looking forward to checking my bank balance and when I did I had more in there than I realised so I am not so as worried about my tax returns. The most amazing thing that has happened, though, is that a couple of weeks ago I was worried about how my mum was coping as she seemed a lot grumpier than usual and she was even shouting at my dog and so when we went to see the Dr for his 6 monthly check up I expressed concern that his social worker had left and they hadn’t replaced her and just told to phone the duty social worker. At the moment he is taken out 3 days a week for a few hours by a carer and they just usually walk around town. This resulted in the Dr speaking to social services and they called a meeting with the agency that provides the carers. I thought that this meeting was just going to be about increasing his hours so when they came we got a pleasant surprise as they were talking about putting a positive behaviour programme in place for him and taking him to more activities and then looking to getting him in supported living. I can’t tell you what a relief this is to hear people who actually understand my brothers needs and want to help him instead of seeing pound signs from his benefits. This fills me with so much gratitude to the universe. Such a weight off my shoulder and I’m sure my mum’s too and this came without any warning at all. We didn’t even know this company provided this sort of thing. It’s never been spoken of before. And all because I asked the universe and because I’ve been clearing deep blockages and residues from my childhood. And also probably helping to clear some stuff for my mum too.
So the next thing that needs to be tackled is my financial situation. And I know that it’s going to be fine but I do still have some fear around it and I still have stuff coming up. Something came up this morning which I wasn’t expecting. I think that it’s root chakra stuff that is clearing now. Things around security (finances), stability, physical stuff and stuff around being on my own has come up this morning. But I’m not afraid any more. When these things are coming up I’m recognising them for what they are and I’m just being with them. In fact I almost welcome them because I know that when this happens something significant is going to shift in my life for the better. Bring it on. I’m ready and willing to release all that no longer serves me.



Diary extract from journey to Egypt 2009

Saturday the 16th May 2009

Today is the day. When I awoke I was still having the thoughts that I was having last night and still felt uncomfortable about the Kings Chamber, even fearful for what might happen. I decided that I would speak to Mary about it. Funnily enough I met Mary by the lift as we were going down to breakfast and as we were the first one’s down she said that we could talk about it then. I explained how I was feeling and that maybe the doubt had come from the fact that I was doubting the meditation the evening before. Mary told me that it was completely normal to feel like this and that these feelings were resistance from the rational mind She also told me that the greater these feelings were, the more energy was being anchored into the physical vessel. This reassured me greatly and I felt much more able to continue on the journey and decided see how I felt when we got there.

When we did get there I felt completely at ease and ready to do it. Firstly we visited the Sphinx and sat for a while before doing a meditation. The energy emanating from the Sphinx was amazing. So majestic. The meditation was  to journey inside the Sphinx and be given a gift. I was given the Ankh. I found it very difficult to take part in the meditation as I found it difficult to concentrate. I felt this was because I was sat behind everyone else and facing the crowds as they were walking up; the path. This made me feel vulnerable, isolated and not part of the group but I couldn’t change position. I realised that I was feeling more and more excluded from the group. After the meditation we went for a drink and gave feedback from the meditation. Everyone else seemed to have had amazing experiences and this reinforced my feelings of isolation and exclusion. When I gave my feedback I became upset and verbalised that I felt that I was becoming more and more separate from the group. Mary didn’t react but just said that this was ok. Initially I felt angry with her that she didn’t deny my being separate from the rest of the group. I decided to sit with my thoughts for a while. I then realised that what I was feeling ie that I was doing this on my own now, rather than as part of the group and the ‘Why do I always have to do everything on my own’ and ‘I’m tired of dong things on my own’ were feelings that I had felt before in my life and that what I was feeling was had triggered something from my childhood and that this was coming up to be cleared. As soon as I realised that, I didn’t have the same emotional attachment to it and it lost it’s power. I was then able to experience the emotions and accept them without having the attachment to what had triggered it. I just felt them and allowed them to wash over me and then let them go. This was an enlightening moment.

After lunch we walked up to the Great Pyramid which took about half and hour to walk there. It was extremely hot but not unbearable. When we arrived at the Pyramid I didn’t feel anxious any more. We went inside and it was surprisingly cool. The climb to the Kings Chamber was long and arduous. You needed to be pretty fit to have the stamina and the breath to get all the way to the top. Once inside the Kings Chamber I was surprised as it wasn’t what I was expecting. The room was much bigger than I had imagined and it was lined with black granite stone and at the far end was the sarcophagus.

The energy in the room was electric and I could see it dancing and buzzing around, but at the same time there was a feeling of calm and ordinariness. After breathing in the energy, I went over to the sarcophagus and stood in front of it, closed my eyes and placed my hands on it’s side. Immediately everything disappeared. There was no noise, no feeling, no sight. Just black nothingness. My heart was pounding and sweat was running from my forehead but I was in a space of nothingness. Gradually my senses came back to me and that was when I realised that I had been sweating profusely. I then went to sit in the middle of the room. After a while I had the urge to lay down. As soon as I did this my heart started pounding and I was sweating again. Gradually one by one, starting with my base chakra, I felt and intense surge of energy move through each of my chakra’s. All the time that this was happening I was very present in my physical body and when it reached my crown chakra there was a gush of energy that came through the top of my head and all the way through the centre of my body. I could feel every cell in my body vibrating. After a few minutes the gush of energy subsided and although I still felt very grounded, I was suspended in a space of nothingness and unconditional love. The feelings and sensations that I was feeling were not a meditation. They were very real, physical sensations. This was not something that was happening to my consciousness. It was happening to my physical vessel. I definitely did not see or experience anything outside of myself, except for the rush of energy throughout my body. But even that just seemed to be normal. The space that I was suspended in was a space inside of me and there was absolutely nothing there. No visions, no sensations, no sounds. Just a feeling of love and peace, and even this was very subtle. I layed there for a while and then became aware that I had been layed there for a while. I realised that I felt fully present in my body but I was unable to move. This was a really strange sensation. I was also very aware of what was happening in the room. I put out an intention that I wanted to get up and move around. Shortly after I put out the intention I was able to move my body. I opened my eyes and looked around and was aware that my clothes were absolutely soaked through from all the sweating that I had been doing. I sat up to see how I would feel. I was aware that something really profound had taken place but at the same time it felt very normal. I felt much lighter and freer afterwards. I now think that this was my kundalini awakening.

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The End Times

So it’s Sunday and i am sat in my local farm shop cafe enjoying a nice breakfast and the sunshine, which is pouring in through the windows. I am lucky in so many ways, especially compared to some in this world at the moment.

I don’t normally watch the news but I watched some of it yesterday evening when I forgot to change channels. I knew that there was a great deal amount of unease in the world but I wasn’t prepared for exactly how much. It struck me that the world has gone completely crazy. These are indeed the end times that have been prophesized. What I find even more disturbing is that the majority of people are just continuing to go about their daily lives as if nothing is happening. Not only that, but the whole world is randomly pouring buckets of iced water over their heads in the name of charity. The sentiment of this is amazing. It is truly amazing how everyone has taken this on board and participating in order to raise money and to raise awareness and for research into a condition, for which, at the moment, there is no known cure. If we can summon up enough enthusiasm and passion to do this sort of thing for a condition that affects only an extremely small percentage of the general population, imagine what we could do to save all of the war torn areas of our planet and to end poverty. So why don’t we do it then? I would guess that it is because the majority of people feel powerless. But I think that we have just proven that we are not powerless. The rate at which the ALS ice bucket challenge has spread across the western world is phenomenal. The amount of money that has been raised is phenomenal (despite the fact that only 7% actually goes towards research.) So why can’t we do the same for world peace?

Maybe people don’t want to get involved in politics. Maybe they don’t see it as their problem. Well I am sorry to disturb your little bubble of denial but this is your problem. It is everyone’s problem or it soon will be when it turns into World War 3. But more than that. These are human beings the same as you and me that are being tortured, killed, abused, raped. All in the name of what? It has got to STOP and we are the only one’s who c an stop it. Enough is enough and it is about time that we let the powers of be know this and muster the same camaraderie as the ice bucket challenge. We have to take back our power, both as individual’s and collectively. We need to let the powers that be know that we will not tolerate such violence any more. How can we do this. By becoming aware. By giving some time and attention to what is happening and refusing to participate and by recognising that we do not want this and taking some responsibility for how we might be inadvertently allowing this.

On a spiritual level we are all connected. So what is happening in another country is actually happening to all of us. I feel a deep sadness at the moment. Whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, we are slaves to the system. We live our comfortable lives, feeling sorry and sadness for what is occurring but feeling helpless about how to help. Most spiritually aware people know that we are all connected and there are a few people out there who know of the New World Order etc but we need to get through to ordinary people who have no knowledge of these things and we need to help people to take back their own power. Not by ramming spiritual narratives down their throats or lectures into the motives of the illuminati but by appealing to their higher natures. The majority of human beings do not want to see another human being suffer. The majority of human beings do not want War. So let’s build on that. Let’s give hope to the hopeless. Let’s inspire people to build a better world. Let’s imbue compassion and empathy and encourage forgiveness and understanding. Let’s look for the qualities that make us the same, not our differences. Let’s spread love and not fear. To be continued…………………


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You don’t know how strong you are until you have to be

There is so much truth in the above statement. A statement that contains mixed sentiments. On the one hand acknowledging our own strength and courage but that because this strength has been found out of necessity, indicates that there was very little choice involved and so therefore there must have been profound pain experienced in order to summon the strength to overcome whatever challenge faced us. But not only that, the alternative of not summoning the strength to face the challenge was even worse than the challenge itself.

Let me tell you something about me. The other day my boss said to me that I needed to adapt to the office team and not the other way around. This comment initially shocked me as I didn’t see things like that at all but then I began to question why he would say something like that. I am not a difficult person. I am easy to get along with. I like to work as a team. So what was the problem? Basically, I was not afraid to be who I am and I have a very strong sense of integrity which I will not compromise.

I thought about this further and realised that I had fought hard to be who I am today. When I was a child I wasn’t allowed an opinion of my own, unless it was the same opinion as my mother! My mother was always concerned about what other people thought and so I was never allowed to be myself. In fact I didn’t know what being myself was as I hadn’t been allowed to develop my ‘self’. I was constantly criticized and never praised for anything. I was the sibling of a disabled child and so my needs always came last in our family. My parents split when I was 5yrs of age and my mum was really depressed following this. Consequently I grew up not knowing who I was, having no identity with no self esteem, no confidence and no self worth. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I showed no initiative and by the age of 11yrs I wished that I had never been born (although I never contemplated suicide). This was then made worse by the fact that at 12yrs of age I developed acne which just got worse and worse over the years and developed into chronic cystic acne. I tried every treatment imaginable and was under a dermatologist in my 20’s. This had a hugely negative impact upon my self image. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without feeling self loathing. I couldn’t go to the hairdressers to get my hair cut until I was in my late 20’s because I would have to look at myself in the mirror. So this loathing of how i looked on the outside only added to the feeling of loathing I had about myself on the inside. Although, anyone with any spiritual awareness, will probably realise that my outward appearance was probably a manifestation of my internal feelings and dialogue. I threw myself into my work (just as I had my studies as a child). And this became my identity. But when this wasn’t working as I thought that it should, I lost all of my confidence again and had a nervous breakdown. And in the depths of despair I finally asked ‘If there is a God, please help me’. And it is true what is said ‘Ask and ye shall find’. I was then given opportunities to get myself back on track.

I went through most of my adult life feeling like this. When I was 17yrs of age I was given a choice. I either fight it or I would end up with a serious mental illness as at that time I was extremely paranoid. I would feel that everyone was laughing at me when I got on a bus etc. I couldn’t stand the thought of being labelled with a mental illness and the stigma that would surround that so I chose to fight it. I could hide my pain quite well and lead a relatively normal life. And so I have spent the majority of my adult life learning who I am and healing the wounds, scars, clearing blocks, developing my self confidence, self worth, self esteem, self power and finally starting to feel attractive as a woman. And I am getting there. I have come a very long way. People now say that I am confident and self assured. I now feel comfortable talking to most people about most things, although I still find small talk uncomfortable.

So consequently, because I have had to fight for every essence of who I am as a human being. Because I have had to learn who I am and to rebuild every ounce of self worth and self confidence myself, I have a very strong sense of who I am and a very strong sense of integrity and I will not allow this to be compromised by anyone or anything. I think that some people find this difficult and challenging because I don’t buy into other peoples delusions or programmes. I have had to deprogramme myself and have very few programmes left that are unconscious so I do not buy into other peoples programmes. I can spot them straight away. So maybe this is what my boss means when he says that I am ‘willful’ and that I should adapt to the team and not the other way around. It amuses me because I would never expect anyone to adapt to me. If people like me then good, if they don’t  then that’s fine too. That shouldn’t affect how people work together though. This has thrown up some interesting thoughts and insights for me and another book for the future maybe.


Spirituality versus real life

My first blog spot and what shall I write about. I have so much to write about that I am not sure where to start really. I want to write about spirituality but I want to make it practical and relate it to every day life. This is really important to me as I don’t see it being anything different really. It is part of who we are. We are spiritual beings so it is our life. I don’t think it is separate to what we do every day. It is not a hobby or pastime or interest that is merely saved for the odd evening and weekend. Instead it interweaves with every thought, action, emotion, behaviour, event, trigger, relationship, working day, holiday, sleeping, waking part of our existence. In essence, it is who we are. The part of us that we often forget about when we are working, thinking, facebooking, getting triggered and sucked into a drama etc. The challenge is to be so integrated and tuned into ourselves that we stay connected to our spirit at all times. Our spirit being that part of us that knows us better than anything or anyone else. This could also be known as our intuition or our higher selves. The part of yourself that is fully authentic and of integrity, courage, depth, and love. Our true self. Not the people pleaser or the defensive person or the attention seeker or the mother or the father or the brother or the sister or the boss or the victim or the aggressor etc. If we can learn to stay connected to our spirit at all times, then the decisions that we make in our everyday life will be based on all of the above attributes and so, if we can make authentic decisions based upon love and integrity we will be living an authentic life and more likely to fulfull our life purpose and full potential.

I do not believe that spirituality is Reiki healing, crystals, hypnotherapy, dream analysis, being attuned to the platinum ray, shamballa, seikhem reiki, angels, knowing about the different dimensions, quantum physics, meditation, qi gong, etc etc. I believe that these are all tools that can help us on our spiritual path but someone that is a toilet cleaner could easily be more spiritual than a Reiki Master. I don’t think that spirituality is necessarily anything to do with our practices, although these definitely help. It is about who we are as a person and how connected we are to the different dimensional aspects of our soul and how we have integrated them into our physical body. I will explain more about this later but don’t want to spend too much time on that now.

I believe that life events are our best spiritual teachers. It is our response to the things that happen in our life and our consequent learning from them that develop us spiritually (or not) and allow us to see the hidden parts of ourselves. Spirituality is very much about awareness. Once we are aware of something we cannot become unaware and this often leads to a chain of awareness as we connect the dots and the aha moments arrive. Sometimes we can become stuck and might need some help, such as healing etc to release any blocks that we may have to a certain trigger. But ultimately we still need to recognise what is causing the block in the first place to prevent it from reoccurring. Also, when we have experienced something for ourselves then we will have more compassion and empathy for others who are experiencing the same thing and are in more of a position to help them. I am going to write more on these subjects in future blogs and books. My aim is to bring spirituality into every day life, so that everything becomes a spiritual practice. Eating will be spiritual, sleeping will be spiritual, shopping will be spiritual, dressing will be spiritual, walking will be spiritual, driving will be spiritual. Everything that we do will be a spiritual experience.


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